Truth came out..
Here is the only place where i could say whatever i want. nobody reads my posts and i hope nobody sees this. today finally everything is over. i found out the truth for the past year about you. forgive me if whatever i say is sounds wrong but this is what i know.
last year, you said you wanted to break up. i forced u to be with me. for almost a year our relationship was one way. you gave me hope saying things like we might be together in the future. and i never gave up. along the way, we fought. and you decided to open up yourself to someone else at work. and you told me u were fine but all along its only because u had someone else to talk to. the reason for lying to me for almost a year is because u dont wanna hurt my feelings. think bout it, if u do care bout my feelings, u could have told me u have been talking to another guy. now everything is so perfectly clear.
knowing that u started holding hands with him just after 3 weeks shows something. it means you guys have been going on for quite some time behind my back. you were still mine until we broke up. i dont know how u love a guy who doesnt respect another guy’s relationship. no matter how broken a relationship is, we never have the right to interfere. if he really did try to be nice to u, what he would do is ask u to be patient with me or even if its a break up, be a friend to u. u chose to be with me from day 1. u chose to love me from day 1. and now u say u dont anymore? its fine to be fickle minded, but being fickle minded in love is dangerous. one day u work at hougang you’re with this guy, after 2 years u move out to a hospital, dont tell me u gonna love another guy?
if u really did care about my feelings, u should have told me truthfully bout the dinner u had with him. about when u share feelings with him. u dont need to lie cause all u did was cheat on yourself and me. u made an impression that i was doing fine to get u back. i was doing the right thing then one day just BAM! in my face u tell me u had enough and u want a break up. no wonder when we were together u dont ever wanna go out with me. cause a third party existed all along. if he is really a nice guy, he wouldnt wanna end up with u cause he knows its wrong to do so. you were already with me and he shouldnt even make any move on u. if there’s no initiation, there’s no reaction.
u tried talking to my friends last time about our problems. and my friends did what a man should do. just listen and try to make things work out between u and me. but this outcome is different. maybe he did tried helping us but the outcome is that u are already holding his hands after 3 weeks of break up. what does it say about him? and what does it say about u?
u wanna love a person, u do it all the way. there are mistakes and arguments along the way but that shouldnt be the reason why u should find another guy to talk to. you made a decision last time to be with me. u should know what u got yourself in to. you should accept me for who i am like how i accepted u for who u are. be firm to yourself and know what u want. dont just get close to a guy, talk about your problems then fall in love with him. and worst thing was that u were still with me at that time. if u say i cheated on u, u should know deep in your heart what u did was wrong.
i didn’t only shed tears for u. i brought my family to your life. when do u ever get to see your bf’s mum welcome u into every event we had? when relatives ask who are u, my grandparents proudly say you’re family. not just me, but everyone including my friends dont ever say bad things about u to other people. so i just wonder how come u can talk to someone u met for only months about us? how come u open up so fast that u could fall in love with him and tell him every single thing about how bad i was? no matter how possesive i am with u, i respect u. i know it may seem difficult for u to get what u want. but in the end, u do get what u want. its what i want that doesn’t happen. think about it.
i’m lucky that i get out of your life when im only 20. if i was thinking of marriage and u do this to me, it would really suck. to have a sudden change of heart, a third party behind my back and lies just piled up dropped on me at the last moments. if u really did care, u should have cared when i break down. u should have cared when i cried saying i love u to u. u should have cared when im worried u get home late. but what u did was dont care what happen to me at all. u dont care we treated u like family. u forget the good things ive done so that u can move on to another person.
youve to always remember that the past plays a part in our lifes. you have to love a person fully before committing. dont love him now and after a while feeling is just not there. it just doesnt seem right. if you realised, no matter what mistakes u did to me or what insults to throw at me. all i do is cry and say i love u. i’m here for u no matter what. i’ll wait for u to open up your heart to me once again. i said all that cause i really thought u wanna focus on ur job and promotions. i didnt know u were already into another guy. try putting yourself in my shoes, if u say what i did before was cheating, i dont know what this is to u.
i prayed every night for u to open up your heart. and my prayers were answered but u open up your heart already way before to another person. i guess serve me right for loving u till no end.
if 3 years didnt mean anything to u i dont know what would make u appreciate whatever u have. if all the tears and sacrifices still buat u tergamak menipu i selama setahun. then i tak tau apa lagi nk ckp. all i can say is all the best in your life. stay true to one. u gave me false hope and i foolishly never give up on u.
this last paragraph, i just wanna say i didnt regret being with u. i m super angry with u for lying to me all along. and i m angry with your future bf for not being a nice friend but more of a potential boyfriend. that is just simply taking advantage. no matter how much u hated me, he should have known u were still mine and i was still trying. he should have known that i mean well for u and he should know that i was still trying to prove my love. anyway, hope both of u are happy now. i dont wanna be in the way. and i hope u start loving truthfully till the end. accept him for who he is. and see it thru the end no matter what hardship u face. then u can finally say u love that person. cause u face hardship with me and u give up. i hope it doesnt happen again. and to be honest, i wouldnt mind taking u back no matter how fickle minded u are…
3rd week
Today mark the 3rd week.. And it has been hard as ever..
We both made mistakes in the past. But i made a bigger one. It was last year and she claim that was why she hates me. I guess i can’t turn back time. Even when i told her the truth, she wouldn’t listen but i don’t blame her. Fate was against me at that time. I didn’t mean it to be that way. And honestly i just wanted to be friends and not more. But when she found out it was too late..
Now that i’m hated. All i can say is that i was wrong. Im sorry. I know its not enough. But i do love her. The first time i said i love you, the feeling is still the same till now. I can’t do a thing now. I’m really depressed to a point that i feel so low of myself. Even my own friends said i think too low of myself. Ive lost self esteem and respect for myself. I’m losing myself i guess…
Everyday of my life for the past 3 years, she was there beside me. Seating in lecture with me, doing tutorials with me, ate lunch with me and goes home with me. When finally she is not there anymore, it feels like i lost a part of me. To be honest i felt like a married man with a wife 24/7 at school. :)
I’m sad not because she wants a break up. But i’m just really disappointed that she gave up. The things she said at that point of time really hurts.. I’m a psycho and i’m the last person she’ll ever marry. It still stuck in my head. I’ve never meant any insults i gave her. But this time, she admitted that she meant it. That really hurt.
I hate myself. I hate myself for loving her even when she hates me. I don’t understand whats wrong with me. Now all i do is pray every night and cry to myself. I pray for the same thing every night. And that is for her to open her heart once again. Give me strength to overcome this without losing myself. And i’m still trying to get myself back.
I just hope one day, she can see how much i love her. All i have now are memories, photographs and gifts from her before. Everyday i look thru her pictures to see her beautiful smile. Memories in my mind run me thru the time we spent together almost everywhere. It was fun. With her cousins, my friends and most happiest of all is to see her happy with my family.
I can see my family misses her. Nenek sometimes ask me how is she, and what can i say? It brings me tears just to talk about her. In the day when nenek is not at home, i would open her wardrobe to see Zura’s pictures still pasted on the door. I hope she knows that my family treats her as family. And she is loved endlessly. Mummy invites her to every family event we attend.
I just hope now that she doesn’t lose herself. Be the person she is now. And if God permits, one day i’ll get to see her again.. If not, i hope she knows that I’m always here no matter how broken i am.. I’ve never given up.
